I'm not shouting! Alright, I am shouting! I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shouting!!

My husband came to me today with an incredible realization. He was telling me that a while ago he heard someone say that when married people yell from room to room instead of going in the room to speak to the other person or to ask a question - something gets lost in translation and they end up getting angry at each other many times or frustrated with each other. He said, I think that's what happens with you and the girls. I thought about it for about a minute and realized, he is so right. I never thought about it, but we yell from room to room. They are always yelling "MOMMY" and I'm yelling, "WHAT?" Instead of either them coming to ask me a question or me going to the to see what they need. *light bulb turns on over head* That is such a major problem in our house! I get so frustrated yelling back and forth! Not only that, but I have anxiety problems. Like, really bad ones! Like, need medication but trying to do without it kind of thing. So when yelling happens, my anxiety level shoots up automatically. Add in any extra stress from family or friends or life in general and I can't take it. I just feel so overwhelmed by anxiety that I can't function the way I should.

I'm realizing that it's ok to have anxiety problems and it's taken over 10 years to understand this. It's ok that I can't handle everything being thrown at me, it's the way God made me. Well, it's not ok, like "Yay! I have problems!" But like, "Ok, this is for real, not something I'm making up in my head, how can I make a change?". Instead of trying to take everthing on, I'm trying to figure out ways to relieve some of that anxiety. It's taken so long for me to pick out the things that will cause stress and not have those things in my daily life. It's not easy but it's really necassary for me and my sanity! It's funny but when I was pregnant and breast feeding, I was fine. I guess all chemicals and hormones had balanced themsleves out. (Don't get any ideas, people! I can't be pregnant or breastfeeding forever so there is no point in going back for a short while of balanced living!) I remember telling Rob, "I think this is the way people are supposed to feel. It's great!" Now, I'm trying to intentionally live in a way that will bring myself less stress. This is not always in my control though. I can't control the people around me and how they react and things they say (husband included!!!). I guess that is something I'll have to keep figuring out. It's gotten easier with Rob. He is a man of God and acountable for his own actions. I don't *usually* worry about what he says! But, I can't control how people act toward me or what they do or say. I am learning (very slowly) to just step back and not let it overwhelmingly upset me and get me out of sorts. I have a very long way though. I'm one of those people who will run a converstation, situation or comment over and over and over and over in my head wondering what I should have done or said differently. What should I have said or done to make it right, better, ok or even how could I have just made it turn out different? I can dirve myself crazy with it, I really can! I can also drive Rob crazy with it (sorry, Babe and thanks for the all the patience). So, that is something else I have really been trying to change. I have to make things right in my head to make everything ok before I can let anything go. But, really, what I need to do is check all my actions, reactions and words against what Godhas told me is right through His Word. Then I feel I can live a life without second guessing myself and worrying about everything. While I've made leaps and bounds torward this, tomorrow I'll be taking a new step by letting the girls know - we are no longer shouting from room to room to talk or ask questions.

BTW, does the title of the blog sound familiar? Just wondering if anyone else knows what that is from?? It's one of my favorite movies!

Setting a good example

I feel like a total failure at this. I won't lie, I am a yeller, I get overwhelmed super easily and I today I just feel like I'm not good at being a mother or the wife of a future pastor. I knew the day would be a struggle from the start this morning. I've just been really struggling with life in general lately. I know it's because I haven't been spending enough time with God lately. I find other things to do with my time and have been avoiding my time with God. I wonder why? Is he going to reveal something to me that I just don't want to follow? I don't know. But, this morning the girls were bombarding me. Big time. They just would not leave me alone and they were fighting. Finally I told them they could go out to the pool at 10am. Well, almost immediately, they started fighting and talking hatefully to each other. It was terrible. Then I lost my temper because Penelope would not stop asking me for a band aid and she wouldn't leave it alone. When I told her no she could not have one, things turned ugly and we were all screaming at each other. Then they were crying and whining and I seriously thought, "I just cannot do this anymore". I am so worn down emotionally. I feel like such a failure in so many ways lately. A couple minutes after all of this happened, the doorbell rings. I thought, "What in the world? Who could that be?". Well, it was my next door neighbor, her 2 daughters and her 2 granddaughters welcoming us to the neighborhood. I felt so low, so horrible. She said, "we wanted to come over sooner but we kept missing you. We heard you outside this morning and said, we'll go over and introduce ourselves". How embarrassing. What did they hear? What kind of example am I setting not only for my kids but for my neighbors. Turns out they go to Arlington some and want to go more, they want their kids to get more involved in the youth group. Oh yeah, that's great. They are living next door to a youth leader who yells and freaks out and kids who can't get along. I'm really struggling with this role as I knew I would. But, in different ways then I thought. Today is not a good day. I feel down about so much and taking a look from the outside of myself and my family and seeing what other ppl may see of us, I just am really struggling with feelings of never being good enough or stable enough. I've got to get back to spending a lot of time in God's word and talking to God. I realize this is the only way I'll ever be able to be a good example because I simply cannot do it myself. The stakes are higher now for my actions and it's something I HAVE to remember. I cannot let myself be selfish and just act on emotion anymore. It's going to be interesting as I start to pray for this....again. I've prayed about it before and just waited for God to take care of it for me, take away the anger and impatience. Well, needless to say, he hasn't just taken it away as a favor to me. The clouds didn't part, the sun didn't shine through and I didn't have some great weight lifted off and God didn't say to me, "You're healed! It's all gone!" Dang it! I really was looking forward to that. Instead, as soon as the girls would wake up, they would start to complain and bombard me, I immediately had that angry feeling taking over and would lose my temper, Rob would say something that irritated me and the whole world just made me mad. Seems God is telling me to go about this a different way! I'm going to try to figure that out...we'll see what happens. He's doing a whole lot of stirring in my heart over a whole lot of different things. I realize he's trying to get through to me and wants to do great things. I just have to be willing to give him the opportunity and do some work myself.