One of those days....

This blog has been a long time coming. I started it months ago but for some reason have had a hard time publishing it. I'm not sure why other than, it's not part of me that I like to share with others. But, like everything else in my life, I feel like I should share it. I've dealt with mental illness for years now. Through the years I have been on many different medications. I've stopped and started several times. It has truly been a battle. I felt my best when I was pregnant and nursing. I felt completely balanced and peaceful. But, I can't have kids forever!

My close friends know this and expect me to disappear at times. There are days when I just cannot get out of bed. I cannot get off the couch. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't check my email or texts. This can go on for a day or even weeks. Each step of the day is a battle.


The thing that drives me crazy the most is how it causes inconsistancy. I'm an inconsistant friend, wife and especially mother. I often wonder how my children will look back and see me. I will do so good for a long time with spending special time with them and really getting to know them and go through workbooks, devotionals, I'll truly work on their spiritual lives, etc. Then depression will hit me and I will completely change. I can be around them but can't bring myself to do anything with them. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to clean or cook. The house is in disarray and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to always be on top of things in my life and stay consistant with it. I really worry about Rob going into the ministry because how will I ever find the strength to help others and be his partner through so much when I deal with this? How do I teach my children that their relationship with God HAS to be consistant when I can't even stay consistant with it? I feel so much better when I am on top of things and feel like if I could just stay that way then maybe I wouldn't get so depressed. It's a vicious cycle like so many other things in life.



Right now I'm reading a book called The Depression Cure. It is about beating depression without medication. I'm really hoping that is something I'll be able to do. I can't stand taking medications. There is nothing wrong with taking them and they do help, but I'd so like to get to the point where I'm not dependant on medications to make me feel better. I have no idea if that will ever happen.

Maybe part of the reason I've had a hard to posting this is there is no resolution. I haven't cured it yet, I still struggle with it, I haven't beat it yet. It's hard when you struggle with this and Satan knows it. I feel like he really can get to me in this area. I've found small ways to combat some of the feelings I have. I don't even know how to end this blog...I guess my point is to encourage you if you shuffer with mental illness. You are not alone, there are so many of us. It'll always get better in the end. It's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other on certain days.

If I let these dreams die, will I find you brought me back to life?

First let me say this blog is coming from a most vulnerable place and I hope it touches you. It's a little long, but please be patient and read it! There is a song so meaningful in my life. It's by 10th Avenue North and it's called Empty my Hands. 5 months ago, I listened to this song for the first time. A dear friend told me to listen to it. I had confided in her what I was going through at the time, she told me she heard this song that morning and I had to listen to it. I sat and listened to the song and cried. I clung to every single little word of this song, every one was true in my life. I was living so far outside of God's will (but trying at the time to get back on track), I will never understand how I thought I could handle my life better than God could. But, you see, at the time, I thought somehow I was in God's will, that the decisions I was making were decisions that were right for my life. As I slowly realized they weren't, that I wasn't obeying his commands, the reality of what I had to give up and what I had to overcome and rebuild was more than I thought I could ever handle. It brought me to my knees. It brought me to a place of being completely broken where if I did not go to God every single minute, shoot, every single second then there was no way for me to make it to the next moment without giving in. I wrote the following on that particular day in November (I ask that you listen to the song on youtube before you read it. I listened to it the whole day I wrote this): "I know God does not give us more than we can handle. I KNOW. But, I feel he is taking me so close to the edge that I many not make it. I understand how Job felt when he tore his clothes and yelled in anguish. How do I make it? How doI get myself through this? I believe there is something amazing in my future and I pray it is revealed to me. I know it's during times like these that character is built and so is our relationship with God. I've NEVER had to depend on him more than now. I cannot and will not make it through without him and I know this for maybe truly the first time ever. I feel as if anything else is added, I will not be able to withstand this. I feel crushing torment. This is the first time I have ever allowed myself to feel this and not try to make an easy escape. Please God, please, reveal yourself to me. Reveal your plans for me. Please take these dark desires from me. I know people have gone through this before and made it, but I feel as if soon I will have no more strength to carry on without an escape. Please God, please give me strength. I feel as if I need some relief, even just a little would help so much. I know you must be taking me so close to the edge for a reason. But, I feel as if I'll never make it. I know there is an ebb and flow to life and this situation but I feel the negative is only coming through and so strongly. Please give me relief, God. Please be preparing the path for us. Please show us, Lord. Please help us to remember - you are in control of everything that is happening to us. All we need to do is depend on you and live by you." As I was walking today, the song came on my ipod. It took me back to that moment, I remembered the pain, the darkness. And I smiled. I looked around at how my life is shaping up now and I was so very thankful. So thankful I had opened my hands that had been clutching so tightly and given up the dreams I once had. Thankful that I really had begun to live when I let go of what I was holding on to. I was no longer captive to the lies that I had believed. The lies that Satan had told me, that I wasn't good enough, that my marriage wasn't good enough. I dont care what you're going through or how hard it is to give up. If I could give up the darkness that seemed like light at the time, you can give up what God has called you to give up. He is here to redeem us and to use our stories. My gosh, when you come to a point of true forgiveness, a point where you are willing to face the consequences of what you have done, when you are willing to face and heck, USE what you went through for God's purpose, to help other people...oh how your life will be blessed. Blessed beyond measure. I never have thought I could handle my life better than God could. At least I never thought that I thought this way. But, I realized in the past few months that since I wasn't following all his commandments, then I was saying to him that I could handle my life better. Let me tell you, dear friend, never could I have dreampt how much better my life could be now, how free I feel. Things aren't perfect, but slowly there were glimmers of light and hope. I walked back into a situation having no idea where it would go, but I knew it was God's command for me to do so, so willingly I walked into his will and trusted him with blind faith that he would bless me. I had many moments when I only saw darkness, but stayed determined that I would believe in God's promise. Now I am happier then maybe I ever have been. I love my husband and my marriage, I have some of the best friendships I've ever had, I have such a close relationship with my girls, my heart is bursting with God's love and forgiveness and I'm coming to a place where I can find true forgivenss and help others. He's brought me back to life, a better life then I've ever had. Whatever is in your life that you feel like you just can't give up...I've been there. I've been to the depths of feeling like it's impossible to give it up and I'm here to tell you that you can give it up and that your life will be so much more blessed. Just allow yourself to fully lean on God to get you through each second that seems like an eternity, you will be so much more free on the other side.

Just because we can

I've been sick for the last few days. Really sick. While this totally sucks, it has given me a lot of time to think and pray. Nothing like not being able to do a thing but lie on the couch and have your kids asking you for something every 5 minutes when you just want to sleep away being sick!

Yesterday was an awesome day. Rob took Isabella to softball practice which just left Penelope and me at home. She begged me to come outside to hang out because it was so beautiful. This was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted her to watch TV while I was on the couch in my misery. But, she wanted me to so badly that I couldn't turn her down. Once she got me outside, she begged me to go on a little walk with her. I thought, what the heck...why not? Penelope was barefoot and begged me to let her go without shoes. Remembering when I was little, how much I liked to be barefoot, I let her. It took an unexpected turn for me. It was the best walk I have ever been on and some of the best 30 minutes of my life. We danced on the side of the road, walked in the middle of the road, walked backwards up the hills, the wind blew on our faces, it blew Penelope's dress out while she was twirling, we talked about how amazing God was to let us see the moon and the sun in the sky at the same time, we petted donkeys while curling our toes under in the grass so they wouldn't chomp our toes off (see above picture!), we put our heads all the way back and looked up at the sky while the sun hit our faces! All just because we could. I followed Penelope's lead and allowed her to be who she was and just enjoyed it. I was awarded with hearing, "Mommy, I love it when you make everything fun. I'll always remember this." Ah, how my heart swelled at hearing my little girl say that. I was completely wiped out when we got back home, but it was so worth it. I feel like I spend so much time with the girls...we're always doing something fun and learning new things. Especially going through this tween time together. But it's not often enough when I'm alone with one of them and we just are. We're not really doing anything except being us. How great to see their little hearts coming through and to reach their hearts. Not to mention how much it feels up my heart.

I'm currently praying for women who will come into the girl's lives that can mentor them. How awesome would it be for them to have other Godly examples of women in their lives that they can spend time with, who can get to know their hearts and their desires, who can answer questions that may come up. I think this would be an amazing addition to the girl's lives. It's also all made me realize that for awhile I parented from arm's length. I was afraid to throw my everything into how they would maybe turn out one day, I was afraid to have any expecations because what if I failed? And isn't it just a given that they will go through a rebellious period and totally mess up for awhile? God has opened my heart lately, to pull them in closer to me and to really search what they need as growing girls to stay on the path he has prepared for them. I feel like he is really answering my prayers and revealing what he desires from me as a mother. I've been through it all, I should know how to aproach the girls, how to guide them. Slowly but surely I am learning. I wish it hadn't taken me so long, but at least I've got these really important years with them, to grow with them. I'm so thankful that my heart has opened and I'm not longer afraid of failing, no longer afraid to give them all that is within me. I don't think I'm "over mothering" either, I think it's a happy medium. I'm not expecting them to be perfect, I realize I can do everything in my power for them and they will still mess up. I'm not banking my whole future on how they turn out. But, at least when I look back, I can say I did everything I could to help them, guide them, teach them and love them. I did things God's way. No regrets.

Revealing who I am...

Today while reading my Captivating workbook I came across this: "A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough. That is why we must keep asking Jesus to show us our beauty. Ask him what he thinks of you as a woman. His words to us let us rest and unveil our beauty."

Oh how I wish I had read this a year or 2 ago. How differently may my life have gone? Though it's possible if I had read it then, it wouldn't mean as much to me as it does now. I definitely have always tried to reach beauty on the outside more than the inside for most of my life. I was always kind and good hearted, so I thought. But truly, on the inside, I wanted people to find me physically attractive . I didn't understand until lately that true beauty really does come from being a peace with God; at rest with God. It comes from being vulnerable and inviting others to be vulnerable in our presence. I know that not understanding this or the true love of God and how beautiful God thinks I am is what led me down the road I chose. Think about the women in your life - when you look at them, who is the truly beautful woman in your life? Is she the one that chases after being physically attractive and after wordly beauty? Or is she the woman who is quietly confident and secure in who God has called her to be? I often think of my sister-in-law, Stacey. She is one of the most beautiful women in my life. She is level headed, confident in who God has called her to be, she takes care of herself in a way to stay healthy, she invites you to be vulnerable and honest in her presence without judging you. She is truly such a beautiful example of how we should strive for our relationship with God and the world to be.

I wish I had learned that sooner. Though, I now realize that this is God's plan for my life. I do ask Him often, "Who is the woman You want me to be?" Sometimes you look at life and wonder how you turned into a person that you never thought you could be. I can tell you, it is a small step in the wrong direction and another small step until you look around and wonder..."Wait! How did I become this person?! This is not who I was or ever thought I could be. " Do we question ourselves along the way each day in what we are feeling and what our story is turning into? We should; I wish I had. As women we are emotional and can easily take small steps in the wrong direction based on our feelings of not being good enough or not being as emotionally connected to our husbands or friends as we would like to be. These are all lies that the devil uses to distract us and attack us, to keep us from being the true woman God has created us to be.

"The hardest part of asking God what he sees in you as woman, asking him to answer your deepest questions about your beauty is this: Believeing what he says. Because he will speak, dear friends, and what he will say will be so very close to what your heart has wanted to hear all these years, you'll think you're making it up. And that is how we trust him. We accept what he has to say. We let it be true." - Captiving.

Wow. How truly I am seeing this in my life. Each day I am asking God to reveal to me who he wants me to be. It is so close to what I have always wanted and felt. In my heart I've always wanted to help others, to really make a difference in people's lives. People and their hurts and desires have always really tugged at my heart. I want to make a difference in lives. God has brought me to this point. Would I have personally chosen for it to be the way it has turned out to be? HECK NO! This has been a difficult road and not one I'm proud of. But, as I've learned the more I've been open about it, there are a lot of people struggling in their marriages and women struggling to find security in who they are. Is it easy to share the struggles I've gone through and Rob and I have gone through together? Absolutely not. But, the more I realize God is calling me to share it and be open about it, the more my heart softens to the idea and warms up to it. He has let me know through other people and His Word that this is what He has led me to be.

You are beautiful, I am beautful, rest in this. Let God work in you to reveal your beauty. Ask Him - what beauty does He want to reveal in you. He WILL answer. Be still and listen.

Desensitization of women

Not a popular subject, I know! Especially this day and time.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately and exploring about being a woman of God and what that means for us as individuals and what it means for our daughters. More than anything I want to be a well rounded mommy who teaches my girls the importance not of getting men's attention with negative behavior but with positive behavior. I remember something my dad told me when I was a teenager and it still sticks with me. He said, "Julia, there is something beautiful about a girl who can just wear a t-shirt and jeans. A girl that doesn't try too hard to get a guy's attention can be so much more beautiful than a girl that tries too hard." I've often gone back to that over the years. In a book I'm reading right now called, "Your Girl; Raising a Godly daughter in an ungodly world" I came across this, "As Christians, we find ourselves in a sad and desperate state when it comes to the godless influence in our culture. Though Christians are the majority in this country, I fear that many have become apathetic concerning the times and many more appear to have adopted the attitude that says, 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' Over the last several decades, Christians have become more and more desensitized to our worldly culture." I've got to admit, I've been one of the people for a couple years now. When I was younger, I was very sensitive to this and hated to see women degraded in any way. But, as I got older and was in the world more, I thought I was becoming a cooler girl by not caring quite so much and letting girls be strong and independent women, even if that meant they wanted to dress more provocatively or whatever they may do. Honestly, it's just easier to join 'em then to sit there and really think about how messed up our world is toward women. It's so much easier to buy into thinking it's ok for a woman to act however she wants regardless of it's how God designed us. It's funny to me how women want to be indepenant and do their own thing and not listen or follow men....except when it comes to getting men's attention. They will do anything to get as many men's attention as they can. They totally fall for anything a man may want, not just in relationships, but how they represent themselves. They will give a man whatever he wants, when it comes to sexuality and relationships. I have to say, I bought into this, hook, line and sinker for awhile. It meant a lot to me to get men's attention, even after I was married. It gave me self worth that other people thought I was attractive. I didn't need anything more for someone then their attention. I realize now that this sent a terrible message to my dear daughters. This should not be on the top of their list. What should matter most to them is being the girl that sticks out, not blends in with all the other girls, trying to get attention. Girls that flaunt their beauty are a dime a dozen...a girl who's beauty is used by God and who's beauty flows from God, is much harder to find and much more beautiful. I think what most of us are looking for but don't understand is the acceptance from God. Our hearts will never be filled with getting attention from men or from other women...we'll always want more, crave more. Never to find fulfillment. But, when we let God be the lover of our soul, when we realize he is pursuing us, it changes us, changes our hearts. His flowers and chocolates, his attention and pursuing of us are in the form of stars, sunrises, sunsets, the ocean, intricate parts of nature that take our breath away. He created those things for us, to show us how much he loves us, he takes such delight when he takes our breath away. Just as there is a place in our hearts that only God can fulfill, so there is a place in his heart that only I..only you...only each of us as individuals can fill. I can tell you from experiance that even on my journey to find intimacy with God and realizing that he is the one who truly can fulfill the attention I want, it is so much more fulfilling and wonderful then the worldly attention I craved. It means so much to me, when I notice a deer or flower that no one else sees. I've realized that was God, romancing me. When I see a beautiful sunrise, I realize he knows how much that means to me and it's another way of him pursuing my heart. The romance between us and God is amazing and much more than we could ever ask for.

"He longs for you. You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just one glance of your eyes. You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountain tops and ballroom floors. You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him." - Captivating

Breaking the cycle

It's amazing how you can have so many good days in a row and then blam! Out of nowhere, you have a bad day. One that pulls you back a few steps. I cannot stand those days! Today was one of them. It started off good, I'm reading 3 books right now and they are all helping me figure out more about myself and my relationship with God. But, a series of events really brought me down today. Some things are really bothering me, like really, really. I'm trying to learn to forgive and move on. That I don't have to let people know exactly how I feel because it just may not matter to them or maybe they won't understand. Maybe I have no opportunity to tell them what damage their actions caused. (Lord knows, I've damaged many ppl with my actions and they haven't had the opportunity to tell me) I just want to move forward and not be brought back to dark places. I know very well that Satan uses lies and guilt to weaken us. I know this so well, but it is so hard to fight off feelings of self doubt. I've realized lately that I don't trust myself. I always feel like I'm going to mess everything and it's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm going to mess everything up so I write my own destiny by messing stuff up. There are so many ways that I fully trust God. When Rob lost his job, I felt panic for about 10 minutes and never felt panic again. I knew God had it under control and wouldn't let anything happen to us and here we are 6 months later, better then we were 7 months ago when he had a job. In one of the books I'm reading, it talks about this and how in some areas we do trust God and in others we lean on ourselves only when we should be trusting God with everything. I need to realize that I am a woman of God and he will direct my paths, I won't mess everything up. I need to put my trust in him and get to the point where I realize I'm strong enough to be everything he has called me to be. I've been feeling really great about my growth and who I am turning into and what I'm doing with my life. Today I allowed the old feelings of self doubt to creep up- could I keep this up? Can I stay strong and not mess everything up? Instead of looking to myself and trying to keep myself from messing up, I should just keep my eyes on Jesus and let him do his work through me, whatever that might be. Right now, that work is helping kids at Isabella's school every morning, learning more and more about myself, really pursuing God and a relationship with him, being the best mom and wife I can be, and finding a new place in a new church. Yesterday I felt great about all of that. Today I am questioning all of it and is it enough to make up for what I've done? Is it enough to keep me from messing up again? From failing people again? I guess that's the amazing thing about grace...we never can do enough or have to do enough. What I do know is I've got to go to God to get rid of these lies instead of believing them and living them out.

Moving on....

I've had an amazing week. One of grief, of encouragement, of clarity, of happiness, of peace and of moving on.

Sharing what is going on in my marriage and in my heart has brought me such happiness. I've learned new things about friends and about myself. I got a sweet note from a friend that let me know how my actions this past year did hurt her at one point, but then she realized if she was going through that pain, how much worse was Rob and my's pain as we struggled to bring our family back together. This really hit me hard...this was not someone I thought I had affected at all with my actions and it made me realize how far reaching our actions are. If we are on the verge of sinning, it's something we should truly consider. We aren't just hurting ourselves or even just those in our family or who are super close to us...our sin is so much more far reaching and we don't even realize it. It brought me to a place of true grief. I've been waiting for awhile to get to this point...I had grieved my marriage and what I had done to it, I had grieved the example I set for my daughters. But, I had not grieved everyone else I hurt. That's not the woman I want to be. Man, I really want people to look at me and say, "What a beautiful woman of God. She has really come to a place where she isn't afraid to be a woman, isn't afraid of her beauty, feminity and is courageous." I mean really, women who compromise themselves or hide their beauty and femininty (or for that matter, flaunt it), who hide behind being busy or being a mommy are all over the place. I want to truly be captivating...not by captivating men and getting their negative attention, but by being captivating to everyone I come in contact with that they would want to know this God who I live for and know him very personally. I'm really beginning to see what it is to be a daughter of God and it's fulfilling more and more of what I'm looking for.

In church we have been going through the book of Timothy and have heard messages on leaders in the church. Many times I've sat there and thought, gosh...Rob is going to have to do something else with his life...there is no way I'm ever going to be ready to be a leader's wife. Today, I was sitting there thinking, wow...I've been looking at what we've gone through so negatively that I didn't realize how much more I have grown and matured into the woman God has called me to be. He has truly started to move my heart in a way where I can be a much better leader than I could have been before. We should never count anyone out when they sin...God can lead them to such a better place after being in the depths of sin. After church, our pastor and his wife invited us out to eat with them. It was so encouraging. They wanted to talk to us about becoming more involved with the church and slowly making our way to leadership. And guess what?? I wasn't scared! I didn't shy away or back off, scared of being hurt again or messing everything up again. I just know that God is working and he's making our path clear, just as I've been praying. 3 things I know - 1. sharing my story of what is going on in my marriage and heart is what God is calling me to do and 2. he's leading Rob and I to a place to really touch some lives for him. 3 - I'm healing and moving forward.

Music for today:

Today is the Day
by: Lincoln Brewster

I'd post it here if I had any knowledge of how to post a youtube video on my blog!

By the way, if you know of anyone going through difficulties in their marriage or of any women trying to find their hearts in God...then please tell them about my blog!

It's been awhile....

How long has it been since I last posted? At least a year, I'm sure.

The other day I was feeling restless and bored, which is never a good sign for me and happens way too often. I brought it up to a friend and told her I needed about 50 hobbies to keep me busy and interested and they all needed to be free! She sent me a text the next day saying it had come to her....I needed to get back to writing my blog. Brilliant idea! I've gone through so much and have so much to say and this is a good way to keep track of it all.

The intimidating part - how much of what I am currenlty going through do I share...or am I ready to share? I'm not sure of that yet. I'd like to be completely open and honest, but it's a dangerous line! I'll feel it out as I go. But, I definitely want to be able to help others who are going through difficulties in marriage...which is more often than we'd like to admit.

Lately, my thoughts have been on intimacy. True intimacy and my apparent inability to feel this. Or at least, that's how I feel. I've been struggling since Rob and I have been back together (and even before we seperated) to try and capture this. Also, trying to capture it with God is proving difficult. I have no idea why this is unless it's just years of putting up walls. I desperately want it and am working on it. It really bothers me, what if this is as close as I will ever get to anyone? I'm not hiding anything from Rob, there is nothing I won't talk to him about, we spend more time now together and talking about things then we ever have been able to before. But, I feel like we can have more. I'm working through the Captivating workbook which has been awesome and I highly recommend it. It has you go to ugly places, shattered places in your heart and give these things to God, to let him see the depths of your hurts and heal them. I've been praying daily that I will get to a point where I can visit those places...really visit them and allow myself to feel the pain of what I have done and what others have done to me. I feel like there are so many walls that I don't even know of that need to be torn down. I'm not sure how to cultivate intimacy, to find what I'm looking for. I guess my best option is to just keep praying for it and doing what I can to work toward it. I do feel like this has played a major role in our seperation last year and I surely don't want to go back there after we have done so much work to get to this point. I don't want things to become stalled. I'm always wanting more, feeling restless, thinking there is more out there. I feel like when I reach true intimacy with Rob and with God, it will go a long way in fulfilling these feelings.

Here is a passage from today's Captivating workbook:

"In the beautiful passage from Isaiah 61, God promises 'freedom for the captives (us) and release from the darkness for the prisoners (us)'. He goes on to proclaim, 'vengeance' against our enemies. Our wounds (that we have accumulated throughout our life) our vows (we made growing up so as not to make ourselves vulnerable...example - I will never put my true self out for anyone to reject again or, my parents made me feel like I was burden, I will never become close enough to someone again that they could think I was a burden) and the agreements we've made with the messages (messages that we picked up about ourselves through other people's actions wounding us) all give ground to the Enemy in our lives. Paul warns about this in Ephesians 4 when he said - writing to Christians - 'and do not give the devil a foothold'. There are things you've struggled with all your life - self-doubt, anger, depression, shame, addiction, fear. You probably thought that those were just your fault, too. ( just like the way people wounded you throughout your life, felt like it was your fault)

But, they are not. They came from the Enemy who wanted to take your heart captive, make you a prisoner of darkness. To be sure, we complied. We allowed those strongholds to form when we mishandled our wounds and made those vows. But, Jesus has forgiven us for all of that, and now he wants to set us free."

As I read that, I realize that I am giving Satan a foothold in my life, by doubting my ability to capture intimacy. Again, he attacks me without my realizing it. Thankfully, I have Jesus to forgive me and help me continue on my path toward what I truly desire, intimacy with Him and with my husband.