If I let these dreams die, will I find you brought me back to life?

First let me say this blog is coming from a most vulnerable place and I hope it touches you. It's a little long, but please be patient and read it! There is a song so meaningful in my life. It's by 10th Avenue North and it's called Empty my Hands. 5 months ago, I listened to this song for the first time. A dear friend told me to listen to it. I had confided in her what I was going through at the time, she told me she heard this song that morning and I had to listen to it. I sat and listened to the song and cried. I clung to every single little word of this song, every one was true in my life. I was living so far outside of God's will (but trying at the time to get back on track), I will never understand how I thought I could handle my life better than God could. But, you see, at the time, I thought somehow I was in God's will, that the decisions I was making were decisions that were right for my life. As I slowly realized they weren't, that I wasn't obeying his commands, the reality of what I had to give up and what I had to overcome and rebuild was more than I thought I could ever handle. It brought me to my knees. It brought me to a place of being completely broken where if I did not go to God every single minute, shoot, every single second then there was no way for me to make it to the next moment without giving in. I wrote the following on that particular day in November (I ask that you listen to the song on youtube before you read it. I listened to it the whole day I wrote this): "I know God does not give us more than we can handle. I KNOW. But, I feel he is taking me so close to the edge that I many not make it. I understand how Job felt when he tore his clothes and yelled in anguish. How do I make it? How doI get myself through this? I believe there is something amazing in my future and I pray it is revealed to me. I know it's during times like these that character is built and so is our relationship with God. I've NEVER had to depend on him more than now. I cannot and will not make it through without him and I know this for maybe truly the first time ever. I feel as if anything else is added, I will not be able to withstand this. I feel crushing torment. This is the first time I have ever allowed myself to feel this and not try to make an easy escape. Please God, please, reveal yourself to me. Reveal your plans for me. Please take these dark desires from me. I know people have gone through this before and made it, but I feel as if soon I will have no more strength to carry on without an escape. Please God, please give me strength. I feel as if I need some relief, even just a little would help so much. I know you must be taking me so close to the edge for a reason. But, I feel as if I'll never make it. I know there is an ebb and flow to life and this situation but I feel the negative is only coming through and so strongly. Please give me relief, God. Please be preparing the path for us. Please show us, Lord. Please help us to remember - you are in control of everything that is happening to us. All we need to do is depend on you and live by you." As I was walking today, the song came on my ipod. It took me back to that moment, I remembered the pain, the darkness. And I smiled. I looked around at how my life is shaping up now and I was so very thankful. So thankful I had opened my hands that had been clutching so tightly and given up the dreams I once had. Thankful that I really had begun to live when I let go of what I was holding on to. I was no longer captive to the lies that I had believed. The lies that Satan had told me, that I wasn't good enough, that my marriage wasn't good enough. I dont care what you're going through or how hard it is to give up. If I could give up the darkness that seemed like light at the time, you can give up what God has called you to give up. He is here to redeem us and to use our stories. My gosh, when you come to a point of true forgiveness, a point where you are willing to face the consequences of what you have done, when you are willing to face and heck, USE what you went through for God's purpose, to help other people...oh how your life will be blessed. Blessed beyond measure. I never have thought I could handle my life better than God could. At least I never thought that I thought this way. But, I realized in the past few months that since I wasn't following all his commandments, then I was saying to him that I could handle my life better. Let me tell you, dear friend, never could I have dreampt how much better my life could be now, how free I feel. Things aren't perfect, but slowly there were glimmers of light and hope. I walked back into a situation having no idea where it would go, but I knew it was God's command for me to do so, so willingly I walked into his will and trusted him with blind faith that he would bless me. I had many moments when I only saw darkness, but stayed determined that I would believe in God's promise. Now I am happier then maybe I ever have been. I love my husband and my marriage, I have some of the best friendships I've ever had, I have such a close relationship with my girls, my heart is bursting with God's love and forgiveness and I'm coming to a place where I can find true forgivenss and help others. He's brought me back to life, a better life then I've ever had. Whatever is in your life that you feel like you just can't give up...I've been there. I've been to the depths of feeling like it's impossible to give it up and I'm here to tell you that you can give it up and that your life will be so much more blessed. Just allow yourself to fully lean on God to get you through each second that seems like an eternity, you will be so much more free on the other side.

Just because we can

I've been sick for the last few days. Really sick. While this totally sucks, it has given me a lot of time to think and pray. Nothing like not being able to do a thing but lie on the couch and have your kids asking you for something every 5 minutes when you just want to sleep away being sick!

Yesterday was an awesome day. Rob took Isabella to softball practice which just left Penelope and me at home. She begged me to come outside to hang out because it was so beautiful. This was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted her to watch TV while I was on the couch in my misery. But, she wanted me to so badly that I couldn't turn her down. Once she got me outside, she begged me to go on a little walk with her. I thought, what the heck...why not? Penelope was barefoot and begged me to let her go without shoes. Remembering when I was little, how much I liked to be barefoot, I let her. It took an unexpected turn for me. It was the best walk I have ever been on and some of the best 30 minutes of my life. We danced on the side of the road, walked in the middle of the road, walked backwards up the hills, the wind blew on our faces, it blew Penelope's dress out while she was twirling, we talked about how amazing God was to let us see the moon and the sun in the sky at the same time, we petted donkeys while curling our toes under in the grass so they wouldn't chomp our toes off (see above picture!), we put our heads all the way back and looked up at the sky while the sun hit our faces! All just because we could. I followed Penelope's lead and allowed her to be who she was and just enjoyed it. I was awarded with hearing, "Mommy, I love it when you make everything fun. I'll always remember this." Ah, how my heart swelled at hearing my little girl say that. I was completely wiped out when we got back home, but it was so worth it. I feel like I spend so much time with the girls...we're always doing something fun and learning new things. Especially going through this tween time together. But it's not often enough when I'm alone with one of them and we just are. We're not really doing anything except being us. How great to see their little hearts coming through and to reach their hearts. Not to mention how much it feels up my heart.

I'm currently praying for women who will come into the girl's lives that can mentor them. How awesome would it be for them to have other Godly examples of women in their lives that they can spend time with, who can get to know their hearts and their desires, who can answer questions that may come up. I think this would be an amazing addition to the girl's lives. It's also all made me realize that for awhile I parented from arm's length. I was afraid to throw my everything into how they would maybe turn out one day, I was afraid to have any expecations because what if I failed? And isn't it just a given that they will go through a rebellious period and totally mess up for awhile? God has opened my heart lately, to pull them in closer to me and to really search what they need as growing girls to stay on the path he has prepared for them. I feel like he is really answering my prayers and revealing what he desires from me as a mother. I've been through it all, I should know how to aproach the girls, how to guide them. Slowly but surely I am learning. I wish it hadn't taken me so long, but at least I've got these really important years with them, to grow with them. I'm so thankful that my heart has opened and I'm not longer afraid of failing, no longer afraid to give them all that is within me. I don't think I'm "over mothering" either, I think it's a happy medium. I'm not expecting them to be perfect, I realize I can do everything in my power for them and they will still mess up. I'm not banking my whole future on how they turn out. But, at least when I look back, I can say I did everything I could to help them, guide them, teach them and love them. I did things God's way. No regrets.