Today while reading my Captivating workbook I came across this: "A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough. That is why we must keep asking Jesus to show us our beauty. Ask him what he thinks of you as a woman. His words to us let us rest and unveil our beauty."
Oh how I wish I had read this a year or 2 ago. How differently may my life have gone? Though it's possible if I had read it then, it wouldn't mean as much to me as it does now. I definitely have always tried to reach beauty on the outside more than the inside for most of my life. I was always kind and good hearted, so I thought. But truly, on the inside, I wanted people to find me physically attractive . I didn't understand until lately that true beauty really does come from being a peace with God; at rest with God. It comes from being vulnerable and inviting others to be vulnerable in our presence. I know that not understanding this or the true love of God and how beautiful God thinks I am is what led me down the road I chose. Think about the women in your life - when you look at them, who is the truly beautful woman in your life? Is she the one that chases after being physically attractive and after wordly beauty? Or is she the woman who is quietly confident and secure in who God has called her to be? I often think of my sister-in-law, Stacey. She is one of the most beautiful women in my life. She is level headed, confident in who God has called her to be, she takes care of herself in a way to stay healthy, she invites you to be vulnerable and honest in her presence without judging you. She is truly such a beautiful example of how we should strive for our relationship with God and the world to be.
I wish I had learned that sooner. Though, I now realize that this is God's plan for my life. I do ask Him often, "Who is the woman You want me to be?" Sometimes you look at life and wonder how you turned into a person that you never thought you could be. I can tell you, it is a small step in the wrong direction and another small step until you look around and wonder..."Wait! How did I become this person?! This is not who I was or ever thought I could be. " Do we question ourselves along the way each day in what we are feeling and what our story is turning into? We should; I wish I had. As women we are emotional and can easily take small steps in the wrong direction based on our feelings of not being good enough or not being as emotionally connected to our husbands or friends as we would like to be. These are all lies that the devil uses to distract us and attack us, to keep us from being the true woman God has created us to be.
"The hardest part of asking God what he sees in you as woman, asking him to answer your deepest questions about your beauty is this: Believeing what he says. Because he will speak, dear friends, and what he will say will be so very close to what your heart has wanted to hear all these years, you'll think you're making it up. And that is how we trust him. We accept what he has to say. We let it be true." - Captiving.
Wow. How truly I am seeing this in my life. Each day I am asking God to reveal to me who he wants me to be. It is so close to what I have always wanted and felt. In my heart I've always wanted to help others, to really make a difference in people's lives. People and their hurts and desires have always really tugged at my heart. I want to make a difference in lives. God has brought me to this point. Would I have personally chosen for it to be the way it has turned out to be? HECK NO! This has been a difficult road and not one I'm proud of. But, as I've learned the more I've been open about it, there are a lot of people struggling in their marriages and women struggling to find security in who they are. Is it easy to share the struggles I've gone through and Rob and I have gone through together? Absolutely not. But, the more I realize God is calling me to share it and be open about it, the more my heart softens to the idea and warms up to it. He has let me know through other people and His Word that this is what He has led me to be.
You are beautiful, I am beautful, rest in this. Let God work in you to reveal your beauty. Ask Him - what beauty does He want to reveal in you. He WILL answer. Be still and listen.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Desensitization of women
Not a popular subject, I know! Especially this day and time.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately and exploring about being a woman of God and what that means for us as individuals and what it means for our daughters. More than anything I want to be a well rounded mommy who teaches my girls the importance not of getting men's attention with negative behavior but with positive behavior. I remember something my dad told me when I was a teenager and it still sticks with me. He said, "Julia, there is something beautiful about a girl who can just wear a t-shirt and jeans. A girl that doesn't try too hard to get a guy's attention can be so much more beautiful than a girl that tries too hard." I've often gone back to that over the years. In a book I'm reading right now called, "Your Girl; Raising a Godly daughter in an ungodly world" I came across this, "As Christians, we find ourselves in a sad and desperate state when it comes to the godless influence in our culture. Though Christians are the majority in this country, I fear that many have become apathetic concerning the times and many more appear to have adopted the attitude that says, 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' Over the last several decades, Christians have become more and more desensitized to our worldly culture." I've got to admit, I've been one of the people for a couple years now. When I was younger, I was very sensitive to this and hated to see women degraded in any way. But, as I got older and was in the world more, I thought I was becoming a cooler girl by not caring quite so much and letting girls be strong and independent women, even if that meant they wanted to dress more provocatively or whatever they may do. Honestly, it's just easier to join 'em then to sit there and really think about how messed up our world is toward women. It's so much easier to buy into thinking it's ok for a woman to act however she wants regardless of it's how God designed us. It's funny to me how women want to be indepenant and do their own thing and not listen or follow men....except when it comes to getting men's attention. They will do anything to get as many men's attention as they can. They totally fall for anything a man may want, not just in relationships, but how they represent themselves. They will give a man whatever he wants, when it comes to sexuality and relationships. I have to say, I bought into this, hook, line and sinker for awhile. It meant a lot to me to get men's attention, even after I was married. It gave me self worth that other people thought I was attractive. I didn't need anything more for someone then their attention. I realize now that this sent a terrible message to my dear daughters. This should not be on the top of their list. What should matter most to them is being the girl that sticks out, not blends in with all the other girls, trying to get attention. Girls that flaunt their beauty are a dime a dozen...a girl who's beauty is used by God and who's beauty flows from God, is much harder to find and much more beautiful. I think what most of us are looking for but don't understand is the acceptance from God. Our hearts will never be filled with getting attention from men or from other women...we'll always want more, crave more. Never to find fulfillment. But, when we let God be the lover of our soul, when we realize he is pursuing us, it changes us, changes our hearts. His flowers and chocolates, his attention and pursuing of us are in the form of stars, sunrises, sunsets, the ocean, intricate parts of nature that take our breath away. He created those things for us, to show us how much he loves us, he takes such delight when he takes our breath away. Just as there is a place in our hearts that only God can fulfill, so there is a place in his heart that only I..only you...only each of us as individuals can fill. I can tell you from experiance that even on my journey to find intimacy with God and realizing that he is the one who truly can fulfill the attention I want, it is so much more fulfilling and wonderful then the worldly attention I craved. It means so much to me, when I notice a deer or flower that no one else sees. I've realized that was God, romancing me. When I see a beautiful sunrise, I realize he knows how much that means to me and it's another way of him pursuing my heart. The romance between us and God is amazing and much more than we could ever ask for.
"He longs for you. You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just one glance of your eyes. You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountain tops and ballroom floors. You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him." - Captivating
I've been doing a lot of reading lately and exploring about being a woman of God and what that means for us as individuals and what it means for our daughters. More than anything I want to be a well rounded mommy who teaches my girls the importance not of getting men's attention with negative behavior but with positive behavior. I remember something my dad told me when I was a teenager and it still sticks with me. He said, "Julia, there is something beautiful about a girl who can just wear a t-shirt and jeans. A girl that doesn't try too hard to get a guy's attention can be so much more beautiful than a girl that tries too hard." I've often gone back to that over the years. In a book I'm reading right now called, "Your Girl; Raising a Godly daughter in an ungodly world" I came across this, "As Christians, we find ourselves in a sad and desperate state when it comes to the godless influence in our culture. Though Christians are the majority in this country, I fear that many have become apathetic concerning the times and many more appear to have adopted the attitude that says, 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' Over the last several decades, Christians have become more and more desensitized to our worldly culture." I've got to admit, I've been one of the people for a couple years now. When I was younger, I was very sensitive to this and hated to see women degraded in any way. But, as I got older and was in the world more, I thought I was becoming a cooler girl by not caring quite so much and letting girls be strong and independent women, even if that meant they wanted to dress more provocatively or whatever they may do. Honestly, it's just easier to join 'em then to sit there and really think about how messed up our world is toward women. It's so much easier to buy into thinking it's ok for a woman to act however she wants regardless of it's how God designed us. It's funny to me how women want to be indepenant and do their own thing and not listen or follow men....except when it comes to getting men's attention. They will do anything to get as many men's attention as they can. They totally fall for anything a man may want, not just in relationships, but how they represent themselves. They will give a man whatever he wants, when it comes to sexuality and relationships. I have to say, I bought into this, hook, line and sinker for awhile. It meant a lot to me to get men's attention, even after I was married. It gave me self worth that other people thought I was attractive. I didn't need anything more for someone then their attention. I realize now that this sent a terrible message to my dear daughters. This should not be on the top of their list. What should matter most to them is being the girl that sticks out, not blends in with all the other girls, trying to get attention. Girls that flaunt their beauty are a dime a dozen...a girl who's beauty is used by God and who's beauty flows from God, is much harder to find and much more beautiful. I think what most of us are looking for but don't understand is the acceptance from God. Our hearts will never be filled with getting attention from men or from other women...we'll always want more, crave more. Never to find fulfillment. But, when we let God be the lover of our soul, when we realize he is pursuing us, it changes us, changes our hearts. His flowers and chocolates, his attention and pursuing of us are in the form of stars, sunrises, sunsets, the ocean, intricate parts of nature that take our breath away. He created those things for us, to show us how much he loves us, he takes such delight when he takes our breath away. Just as there is a place in our hearts that only God can fulfill, so there is a place in his heart that only I..only you...only each of us as individuals can fill. I can tell you from experiance that even on my journey to find intimacy with God and realizing that he is the one who truly can fulfill the attention I want, it is so much more fulfilling and wonderful then the worldly attention I craved. It means so much to me, when I notice a deer or flower that no one else sees. I've realized that was God, romancing me. When I see a beautiful sunrise, I realize he knows how much that means to me and it's another way of him pursuing my heart. The romance between us and God is amazing and much more than we could ever ask for.
"He longs for you. You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just one glance of your eyes. You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountain tops and ballroom floors. You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him." - Captivating
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Breaking the cycle
It's amazing how you can have so many good days in a row and then blam! Out of nowhere, you have a bad day. One that pulls you back a few steps. I cannot stand those days! Today was one of them. It started off good, I'm reading 3 books right now and they are all helping me figure out more about myself and my relationship with God. But, a series of events really brought me down today. Some things are really bothering me, like really, really. I'm trying to learn to forgive and move on. That I don't have to let people know exactly how I feel because it just may not matter to them or maybe they won't understand. Maybe I have no opportunity to tell them what damage their actions caused. (Lord knows, I've damaged many ppl with my actions and they haven't had the opportunity to tell me) I just want to move forward and not be brought back to dark places. I know very well that Satan uses lies and guilt to weaken us. I know this so well, but it is so hard to fight off feelings of self doubt. I've realized lately that I don't trust myself. I always feel like I'm going to mess everything and it's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm going to mess everything up so I write my own destiny by messing stuff up. There are so many ways that I fully trust God. When Rob lost his job, I felt panic for about 10 minutes and never felt panic again. I knew God had it under control and wouldn't let anything happen to us and here we are 6 months later, better then we were 7 months ago when he had a job. In one of the books I'm reading, it talks about this and how in some areas we do trust God and in others we lean on ourselves only when we should be trusting God with everything. I need to realize that I am a woman of God and he will direct my paths, I won't mess everything up. I need to put my trust in him and get to the point where I realize I'm strong enough to be everything he has called me to be. I've been feeling really great about my growth and who I am turning into and what I'm doing with my life. Today I allowed the old feelings of self doubt to creep up- could I keep this up? Can I stay strong and not mess everything up? Instead of looking to myself and trying to keep myself from messing up, I should just keep my eyes on Jesus and let him do his work through me, whatever that might be. Right now, that work is helping kids at Isabella's school every morning, learning more and more about myself, really pursuing God and a relationship with him, being the best mom and wife I can be, and finding a new place in a new church. Yesterday I felt great about all of that. Today I am questioning all of it and is it enough to make up for what I've done? Is it enough to keep me from messing up again? From failing people again? I guess that's the amazing thing about grace...we never can do enough or have to do enough. What I do know is I've got to go to God to get rid of these lies instead of believing them and living them out.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Moving on....
I've had an amazing week. One of grief, of encouragement, of clarity, of happiness, of peace and of moving on.
Sharing what is going on in my marriage and in my heart has brought me such happiness. I've learned new things about friends and about myself. I got a sweet note from a friend that let me know how my actions this past year did hurt her at one point, but then she realized if she was going through that pain, how much worse was Rob and my's pain as we struggled to bring our family back together. This really hit me hard...this was not someone I thought I had affected at all with my actions and it made me realize how far reaching our actions are. If we are on the verge of sinning, it's something we should truly consider. We aren't just hurting ourselves or even just those in our family or who are super close to us...our sin is so much more far reaching and we don't even realize it. It brought me to a place of true grief. I've been waiting for awhile to get to this point...I had grieved my marriage and what I had done to it, I had grieved the example I set for my daughters. But, I had not grieved everyone else I hurt. That's not the woman I want to be. Man, I really want people to look at me and say, "What a beautiful woman of God. She has really come to a place where she isn't afraid to be a woman, isn't afraid of her beauty, feminity and is courageous." I mean really, women who compromise themselves or hide their beauty and femininty (or for that matter, flaunt it), who hide behind being busy or being a mommy are all over the place. I want to truly be captivating...not by captivating men and getting their negative attention, but by being captivating to everyone I come in contact with that they would want to know this God who I live for and know him very personally. I'm really beginning to see what it is to be a daughter of God and it's fulfilling more and more of what I'm looking for.
In church we have been going through the book of Timothy and have heard messages on leaders in the church. Many times I've sat there and thought, gosh...Rob is going to have to do something else with his life...there is no way I'm ever going to be ready to be a leader's wife. Today, I was sitting there thinking, wow...I've been looking at what we've gone through so negatively that I didn't realize how much more I have grown and matured into the woman God has called me to be. He has truly started to move my heart in a way where I can be a much better leader than I could have been before. We should never count anyone out when they sin...God can lead them to such a better place after being in the depths of sin. After church, our pastor and his wife invited us out to eat with them. It was so encouraging. They wanted to talk to us about becoming more involved with the church and slowly making our way to leadership. And guess what?? I wasn't scared! I didn't shy away or back off, scared of being hurt again or messing everything up again. I just know that God is working and he's making our path clear, just as I've been praying. 3 things I know - 1. sharing my story of what is going on in my marriage and heart is what God is calling me to do and 2. he's leading Rob and I to a place to really touch some lives for him. 3 - I'm healing and moving forward.
Music for today:
Today is the Day
by: Lincoln Brewster
I'd post it here if I had any knowledge of how to post a youtube video on my blog!
By the way, if you know of anyone going through difficulties in their marriage or of any women trying to find their hearts in God...then please tell them about my blog!
Sharing what is going on in my marriage and in my heart has brought me such happiness. I've learned new things about friends and about myself. I got a sweet note from a friend that let me know how my actions this past year did hurt her at one point, but then she realized if she was going through that pain, how much worse was Rob and my's pain as we struggled to bring our family back together. This really hit me hard...this was not someone I thought I had affected at all with my actions and it made me realize how far reaching our actions are. If we are on the verge of sinning, it's something we should truly consider. We aren't just hurting ourselves or even just those in our family or who are super close to us...our sin is so much more far reaching and we don't even realize it. It brought me to a place of true grief. I've been waiting for awhile to get to this point...I had grieved my marriage and what I had done to it, I had grieved the example I set for my daughters. But, I had not grieved everyone else I hurt. That's not the woman I want to be. Man, I really want people to look at me and say, "What a beautiful woman of God. She has really come to a place where she isn't afraid to be a woman, isn't afraid of her beauty, feminity and is courageous." I mean really, women who compromise themselves or hide their beauty and femininty (or for that matter, flaunt it), who hide behind being busy or being a mommy are all over the place. I want to truly be captivating...not by captivating men and getting their negative attention, but by being captivating to everyone I come in contact with that they would want to know this God who I live for and know him very personally. I'm really beginning to see what it is to be a daughter of God and it's fulfilling more and more of what I'm looking for.
In church we have been going through the book of Timothy and have heard messages on leaders in the church. Many times I've sat there and thought, gosh...Rob is going to have to do something else with his life...there is no way I'm ever going to be ready to be a leader's wife. Today, I was sitting there thinking, wow...I've been looking at what we've gone through so negatively that I didn't realize how much more I have grown and matured into the woman God has called me to be. He has truly started to move my heart in a way where I can be a much better leader than I could have been before. We should never count anyone out when they sin...God can lead them to such a better place after being in the depths of sin. After church, our pastor and his wife invited us out to eat with them. It was so encouraging. They wanted to talk to us about becoming more involved with the church and slowly making our way to leadership. And guess what?? I wasn't scared! I didn't shy away or back off, scared of being hurt again or messing everything up again. I just know that God is working and he's making our path clear, just as I've been praying. 3 things I know - 1. sharing my story of what is going on in my marriage and heart is what God is calling me to do and 2. he's leading Rob and I to a place to really touch some lives for him. 3 - I'm healing and moving forward.
Music for today:
Today is the Day
by: Lincoln Brewster
I'd post it here if I had any knowledge of how to post a youtube video on my blog!
By the way, if you know of anyone going through difficulties in their marriage or of any women trying to find their hearts in God...then please tell them about my blog!
Friday, March 4, 2011
It's been awhile....
How long has it been since I last posted? At least a year, I'm sure.
The other day I was feeling restless and bored, which is never a good sign for me and happens way too often. I brought it up to a friend and told her I needed about 50 hobbies to keep me busy and interested and they all needed to be free! She sent me a text the next day saying it had come to her....I needed to get back to writing my blog. Brilliant idea! I've gone through so much and have so much to say and this is a good way to keep track of it all.
The intimidating part - how much of what I am currenlty going through do I share...or am I ready to share? I'm not sure of that yet. I'd like to be completely open and honest, but it's a dangerous line! I'll feel it out as I go. But, I definitely want to be able to help others who are going through difficulties in marriage...which is more often than we'd like to admit.
Lately, my thoughts have been on intimacy. True intimacy and my apparent inability to feel this. Or at least, that's how I feel. I've been struggling since Rob and I have been back together (and even before we seperated) to try and capture this. Also, trying to capture it with God is proving difficult. I have no idea why this is unless it's just years of putting up walls. I desperately want it and am working on it. It really bothers me, what if this is as close as I will ever get to anyone? I'm not hiding anything from Rob, there is nothing I won't talk to him about, we spend more time now together and talking about things then we ever have been able to before. But, I feel like we can have more. I'm working through the Captivating workbook which has been awesome and I highly recommend it. It has you go to ugly places, shattered places in your heart and give these things to God, to let him see the depths of your hurts and heal them. I've been praying daily that I will get to a point where I can visit those places...really visit them and allow myself to feel the pain of what I have done and what others have done to me. I feel like there are so many walls that I don't even know of that need to be torn down. I'm not sure how to cultivate intimacy, to find what I'm looking for. I guess my best option is to just keep praying for it and doing what I can to work toward it. I do feel like this has played a major role in our seperation last year and I surely don't want to go back there after we have done so much work to get to this point. I don't want things to become stalled. I'm always wanting more, feeling restless, thinking there is more out there. I feel like when I reach true intimacy with Rob and with God, it will go a long way in fulfilling these feelings.
Here is a passage from today's Captivating workbook:
"In the beautiful passage from Isaiah 61, God promises 'freedom for the captives (us) and release from the darkness for the prisoners (us)'. He goes on to proclaim, 'vengeance' against our enemies. Our wounds (that we have accumulated throughout our life) our vows (we made growing up so as not to make ourselves vulnerable...example - I will never put my true self out for anyone to reject again or, my parents made me feel like I was burden, I will never become close enough to someone again that they could think I was a burden) and the agreements we've made with the messages (messages that we picked up about ourselves through other people's actions wounding us) all give ground to the Enemy in our lives. Paul warns about this in Ephesians 4 when he said - writing to Christians - 'and do not give the devil a foothold'. There are things you've struggled with all your life - self-doubt, anger, depression, shame, addiction, fear. You probably thought that those were just your fault, too. ( just like the way people wounded you throughout your life, felt like it was your fault)
But, they are not. They came from the Enemy who wanted to take your heart captive, make you a prisoner of darkness. To be sure, we complied. We allowed those strongholds to form when we mishandled our wounds and made those vows. But, Jesus has forgiven us for all of that, and now he wants to set us free."
As I read that, I realize that I am giving Satan a foothold in my life, by doubting my ability to capture intimacy. Again, he attacks me without my realizing it. Thankfully, I have Jesus to forgive me and help me continue on my path toward what I truly desire, intimacy with Him and with my husband.
The other day I was feeling restless and bored, which is never a good sign for me and happens way too often. I brought it up to a friend and told her I needed about 50 hobbies to keep me busy and interested and they all needed to be free! She sent me a text the next day saying it had come to her....I needed to get back to writing my blog. Brilliant idea! I've gone through so much and have so much to say and this is a good way to keep track of it all.
The intimidating part - how much of what I am currenlty going through do I share...or am I ready to share? I'm not sure of that yet. I'd like to be completely open and honest, but it's a dangerous line! I'll feel it out as I go. But, I definitely want to be able to help others who are going through difficulties in marriage...which is more often than we'd like to admit.
Lately, my thoughts have been on intimacy. True intimacy and my apparent inability to feel this. Or at least, that's how I feel. I've been struggling since Rob and I have been back together (and even before we seperated) to try and capture this. Also, trying to capture it with God is proving difficult. I have no idea why this is unless it's just years of putting up walls. I desperately want it and am working on it. It really bothers me, what if this is as close as I will ever get to anyone? I'm not hiding anything from Rob, there is nothing I won't talk to him about, we spend more time now together and talking about things then we ever have been able to before. But, I feel like we can have more. I'm working through the Captivating workbook which has been awesome and I highly recommend it. It has you go to ugly places, shattered places in your heart and give these things to God, to let him see the depths of your hurts and heal them. I've been praying daily that I will get to a point where I can visit those places...really visit them and allow myself to feel the pain of what I have done and what others have done to me. I feel like there are so many walls that I don't even know of that need to be torn down. I'm not sure how to cultivate intimacy, to find what I'm looking for. I guess my best option is to just keep praying for it and doing what I can to work toward it. I do feel like this has played a major role in our seperation last year and I surely don't want to go back there after we have done so much work to get to this point. I don't want things to become stalled. I'm always wanting more, feeling restless, thinking there is more out there. I feel like when I reach true intimacy with Rob and with God, it will go a long way in fulfilling these feelings.
Here is a passage from today's Captivating workbook:
"In the beautiful passage from Isaiah 61, God promises 'freedom for the captives (us) and release from the darkness for the prisoners (us)'. He goes on to proclaim, 'vengeance' against our enemies. Our wounds (that we have accumulated throughout our life) our vows (we made growing up so as not to make ourselves vulnerable...example - I will never put my true self out for anyone to reject again or, my parents made me feel like I was burden, I will never become close enough to someone again that they could think I was a burden) and the agreements we've made with the messages (messages that we picked up about ourselves through other people's actions wounding us) all give ground to the Enemy in our lives. Paul warns about this in Ephesians 4 when he said - writing to Christians - 'and do not give the devil a foothold'. There are things you've struggled with all your life - self-doubt, anger, depression, shame, addiction, fear. You probably thought that those were just your fault, too. ( just like the way people wounded you throughout your life, felt like it was your fault)
But, they are not. They came from the Enemy who wanted to take your heart captive, make you a prisoner of darkness. To be sure, we complied. We allowed those strongholds to form when we mishandled our wounds and made those vows. But, Jesus has forgiven us for all of that, and now he wants to set us free."
As I read that, I realize that I am giving Satan a foothold in my life, by doubting my ability to capture intimacy. Again, he attacks me without my realizing it. Thankfully, I have Jesus to forgive me and help me continue on my path toward what I truly desire, intimacy with Him and with my husband.
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