Breaking the cycle

It's amazing how you can have so many good days in a row and then blam! Out of nowhere, you have a bad day. One that pulls you back a few steps. I cannot stand those days! Today was one of them. It started off good, I'm reading 3 books right now and they are all helping me figure out more about myself and my relationship with God. But, a series of events really brought me down today. Some things are really bothering me, like really, really. I'm trying to learn to forgive and move on. That I don't have to let people know exactly how I feel because it just may not matter to them or maybe they won't understand. Maybe I have no opportunity to tell them what damage their actions caused. (Lord knows, I've damaged many ppl with my actions and they haven't had the opportunity to tell me) I just want to move forward and not be brought back to dark places. I know very well that Satan uses lies and guilt to weaken us. I know this so well, but it is so hard to fight off feelings of self doubt. I've realized lately that I don't trust myself. I always feel like I'm going to mess everything and it's a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm going to mess everything up so I write my own destiny by messing stuff up. There are so many ways that I fully trust God. When Rob lost his job, I felt panic for about 10 minutes and never felt panic again. I knew God had it under control and wouldn't let anything happen to us and here we are 6 months later, better then we were 7 months ago when he had a job. In one of the books I'm reading, it talks about this and how in some areas we do trust God and in others we lean on ourselves only when we should be trusting God with everything. I need to realize that I am a woman of God and he will direct my paths, I won't mess everything up. I need to put my trust in him and get to the point where I realize I'm strong enough to be everything he has called me to be. I've been feeling really great about my growth and who I am turning into and what I'm doing with my life. Today I allowed the old feelings of self doubt to creep up- could I keep this up? Can I stay strong and not mess everything up? Instead of looking to myself and trying to keep myself from messing up, I should just keep my eyes on Jesus and let him do his work through me, whatever that might be. Right now, that work is helping kids at Isabella's school every morning, learning more and more about myself, really pursuing God and a relationship with him, being the best mom and wife I can be, and finding a new place in a new church. Yesterday I felt great about all of that. Today I am questioning all of it and is it enough to make up for what I've done? Is it enough to keep me from messing up again? From failing people again? I guess that's the amazing thing about grace...we never can do enough or have to do enough. What I do know is I've got to go to God to get rid of these lies instead of believing them and living them out.