It's been awhile....

How long has it been since I last posted? At least a year, I'm sure.

The other day I was feeling restless and bored, which is never a good sign for me and happens way too often. I brought it up to a friend and told her I needed about 50 hobbies to keep me busy and interested and they all needed to be free! She sent me a text the next day saying it had come to her....I needed to get back to writing my blog. Brilliant idea! I've gone through so much and have so much to say and this is a good way to keep track of it all.

The intimidating part - how much of what I am currenlty going through do I share...or am I ready to share? I'm not sure of that yet. I'd like to be completely open and honest, but it's a dangerous line! I'll feel it out as I go. But, I definitely want to be able to help others who are going through difficulties in marriage...which is more often than we'd like to admit.

Lately, my thoughts have been on intimacy. True intimacy and my apparent inability to feel this. Or at least, that's how I feel. I've been struggling since Rob and I have been back together (and even before we seperated) to try and capture this. Also, trying to capture it with God is proving difficult. I have no idea why this is unless it's just years of putting up walls. I desperately want it and am working on it. It really bothers me, what if this is as close as I will ever get to anyone? I'm not hiding anything from Rob, there is nothing I won't talk to him about, we spend more time now together and talking about things then we ever have been able to before. But, I feel like we can have more. I'm working through the Captivating workbook which has been awesome and I highly recommend it. It has you go to ugly places, shattered places in your heart and give these things to God, to let him see the depths of your hurts and heal them. I've been praying daily that I will get to a point where I can visit those places...really visit them and allow myself to feel the pain of what I have done and what others have done to me. I feel like there are so many walls that I don't even know of that need to be torn down. I'm not sure how to cultivate intimacy, to find what I'm looking for. I guess my best option is to just keep praying for it and doing what I can to work toward it. I do feel like this has played a major role in our seperation last year and I surely don't want to go back there after we have done so much work to get to this point. I don't want things to become stalled. I'm always wanting more, feeling restless, thinking there is more out there. I feel like when I reach true intimacy with Rob and with God, it will go a long way in fulfilling these feelings.

Here is a passage from today's Captivating workbook:

"In the beautiful passage from Isaiah 61, God promises 'freedom for the captives (us) and release from the darkness for the prisoners (us)'. He goes on to proclaim, 'vengeance' against our enemies. Our wounds (that we have accumulated throughout our life) our vows (we made growing up so as not to make ourselves vulnerable...example - I will never put my true self out for anyone to reject again or, my parents made me feel like I was burden, I will never become close enough to someone again that they could think I was a burden) and the agreements we've made with the messages (messages that we picked up about ourselves through other people's actions wounding us) all give ground to the Enemy in our lives. Paul warns about this in Ephesians 4 when he said - writing to Christians - 'and do not give the devil a foothold'. There are things you've struggled with all your life - self-doubt, anger, depression, shame, addiction, fear. You probably thought that those were just your fault, too. ( just like the way people wounded you throughout your life, felt like it was your fault)

But, they are not. They came from the Enemy who wanted to take your heart captive, make you a prisoner of darkness. To be sure, we complied. We allowed those strongholds to form when we mishandled our wounds and made those vows. But, Jesus has forgiven us for all of that, and now he wants to set us free."

As I read that, I realize that I am giving Satan a foothold in my life, by doubting my ability to capture intimacy. Again, he attacks me without my realizing it. Thankfully, I have Jesus to forgive me and help me continue on my path toward what I truly desire, intimacy with Him and with my husband.