One of those days....

This blog has been a long time coming. I started it months ago but for some reason have had a hard time publishing it. I'm not sure why other than, it's not part of me that I like to share with others. But, like everything else in my life, I feel like I should share it. I've dealt with mental illness for years now. Through the years I have been on many different medications. I've stopped and started several times. It has truly been a battle. I felt my best when I was pregnant and nursing. I felt completely balanced and peaceful. But, I can't have kids forever!

My close friends know this and expect me to disappear at times. There are days when I just cannot get out of bed. I cannot get off the couch. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't check my email or texts. This can go on for a day or even weeks. Each step of the day is a battle.


The thing that drives me crazy the most is how it causes inconsistancy. I'm an inconsistant friend, wife and especially mother. I often wonder how my children will look back and see me. I will do so good for a long time with spending special time with them and really getting to know them and go through workbooks, devotionals, I'll truly work on their spiritual lives, etc. Then depression will hit me and I will completely change. I can be around them but can't bring myself to do anything with them. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to clean or cook. The house is in disarray and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to always be on top of things in my life and stay consistant with it. I really worry about Rob going into the ministry because how will I ever find the strength to help others and be his partner through so much when I deal with this? How do I teach my children that their relationship with God HAS to be consistant when I can't even stay consistant with it? I feel so much better when I am on top of things and feel like if I could just stay that way then maybe I wouldn't get so depressed. It's a vicious cycle like so many other things in life.



Right now I'm reading a book called The Depression Cure. It is about beating depression without medication. I'm really hoping that is something I'll be able to do. I can't stand taking medications. There is nothing wrong with taking them and they do help, but I'd so like to get to the point where I'm not dependant on medications to make me feel better. I have no idea if that will ever happen.

Maybe part of the reason I've had a hard to posting this is there is no resolution. I haven't cured it yet, I still struggle with it, I haven't beat it yet. It's hard when you struggle with this and Satan knows it. I feel like he really can get to me in this area. I've found small ways to combat some of the feelings I have. I don't even know how to end this blog...I guess my point is to encourage you if you shuffer with mental illness. You are not alone, there are so many of us. It'll always get better in the end. It's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other on certain days.