Friday, June 12, 2009
Setting a good example
I feel like a total failure at this. I won't lie, I am a yeller, I get overwhelmed super easily and I today I just feel like I'm not good at being a mother or the wife of a future pastor. I knew the day would be a struggle from the start this morning. I've just been really struggling with life in general lately. I know it's because I haven't been spending enough time with God lately. I find other things to do with my time and have been avoiding my time with God. I wonder why? Is he going to reveal something to me that I just don't want to follow? I don't know. But, this morning the girls were bombarding me. Big time. They just would not leave me alone and they were fighting. Finally I told them they could go out to the pool at 10am. Well, almost immediately, they started fighting and talking hatefully to each other. It was terrible. Then I lost my temper because Penelope would not stop asking me for a band aid and she wouldn't leave it alone. When I told her no she could not have one, things turned ugly and we were all screaming at each other. Then they were crying and whining and I seriously thought, "I just cannot do this anymore". I am so worn down emotionally. I feel like such a failure in so many ways lately. A couple minutes after all of this happened, the doorbell rings. I thought, "What in the world? Who could that be?". Well, it was my next door neighbor, her 2 daughters and her 2 granddaughters welcoming us to the neighborhood. I felt so low, so horrible. She said, "we wanted to come over sooner but we kept missing you. We heard you outside this morning and said, we'll go over and introduce ourselves". How embarrassing. What did they hear? What kind of example am I setting not only for my kids but for my neighbors. Turns out they go to Arlington some and want to go more, they want their kids to get more involved in the youth group. Oh yeah, that's great. They are living next door to a youth leader who yells and freaks out and kids who can't get along. I'm really struggling with this role as I knew I would. But, in different ways then I thought. Today is not a good day. I feel down about so much and taking a look from the outside of myself and my family and seeing what other ppl may see of us, I just am really struggling with feelings of never being good enough or stable enough. I've got to get back to spending a lot of time in God's word and talking to God. I realize this is the only way I'll ever be able to be a good example because I simply cannot do it myself. The stakes are higher now for my actions and it's something I HAVE to remember. I cannot let myself be selfish and just act on emotion anymore. It's going to be interesting as I start to pray for this....again. I've prayed about it before and just waited for God to take care of it for me, take away the anger and impatience. Well, needless to say, he hasn't just taken it away as a favor to me. The clouds didn't part, the sun didn't shine through and I didn't have some great weight lifted off and God didn't say to me, "You're healed! It's all gone!" Dang it! I really was looking forward to that. Instead, as soon as the girls would wake up, they would start to complain and bombard me, I immediately had that angry feeling taking over and would lose my temper, Rob would say something that irritated me and the whole world just made me mad. Seems God is telling me to go about this a different way! I'm going to try to figure that out...we'll see what happens. He's doing a whole lot of stirring in my heart over a whole lot of different things. I realize he's trying to get through to me and wants to do great things. I just have to be willing to give him the opportunity and do some work myself.
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Oh ouch, becoming more like Christ is such a lifelong journey! It takes a lot of courage to post such a candid view. Trust me, no Christian who is still on earth, no matter how old, has fully arrived. I too have been surprised to learn how much anger is a part of my nature. Although it's so loathesome and humiliating, God is answering your prayer, and as you've seen it doesn't happen by instant transformation. Sin is too evil for that to be possible.
ReplyDeleteGrowing fruit like patience and self-control is God's work, but he does it by pruning off the wild shoots in our lives. Showing you these little pictures, like the girls fussing and the neighbor dropping by...that tells you where the wild shoots are, and where he wants to prune. So then our job is to mortify those sins, and I think that takes constant vigilance over the situations when our natural tendencies can be stirred up in a sinful way, and asking Him daily and hourly if necessary to help us with the mortification and help our unbelief as well.
It keeps me more vigilant over my sins if I go the offended people and apologize. That makes me accountable to them, and I don't want to have to do that over and over...too humiliating, especially when they're in your own family! It makes me painfully aware of the next time I'm about to trip over my own tongue, and in that moment I can only ask God for his help.
Here's a quote that a friend of mine posted this morning:
For a struggling friend:
The mortification of sin consists not in the improvement of a quiet, sedate nature. Some men have an advantage by their natural consititution, so far as that they are not exposed to such violence of unruly passions and tumultuous affections as many others are . . . One man, perhaps, is never so much troubled all his life with anger and passion, nor doth trouble others, as another is almost every day; and yet the latter may have done more to the mortification of the sin than the former. ~John Owen
A few Scriptures, and the great thing is not only the commands but the huge and comforting promises that He adds to them:
John 15: 1-11...if we abide in Christ, we will bear much fruit (by pruning)...we will have His joy
Galatians 5: 16-25...the flesh and the Spirit are at war, and we must crucify the flesh, but we can only do this as we conduct our lives with the help of the Spirit
Ephesians 2:10...we are his workmanship, created in Christ for good works, which he has already prepared for us
Colossians 3:1-17...another view of our sins vs. His fruit...this one details more of our responsibilities as to how this process happens
Romans 7:14 - all of chapter 8...this is the big sweeping view of how we wrestle with our sins but there is stunning and complete victory being worked out right now and forever...this really makes you want to get on board with God's plan and processes, so you can speed on to victory!
You'll be in my prayers...He has promised victory!
Jean Ink
Jean,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the encouragement and comment and verses! I love blogs and FB for this very reason. When I'm low and struggling and willing to share the truth of my struggles, someone is always willing to pick me up and share encouragement! Thanks you!