I've had an amazing week. One of grief, of encouragement, of clarity, of happiness, of peace and of moving on.
Sharing what is going on in my marriage and in my heart has brought me such happiness. I've learned new things about friends and about myself. I got a sweet note from a friend that let me know how my actions this past year did hurt her at one point, but then she realized if she was going through that pain, how much worse was Rob and my's pain as we struggled to bring our family back together. This really hit me hard...this was not someone I thought I had affected at all with my actions and it made me realize how far reaching our actions are. If we are on the verge of sinning, it's something we should truly consider. We aren't just hurting ourselves or even just those in our family or who are super close to us...our sin is so much more far reaching and we don't even realize it. It brought me to a place of true grief. I've been waiting for awhile to get to this point...I had grieved my marriage and what I had done to it, I had grieved the example I set for my daughters. But, I had not grieved everyone else I hurt. That's not the woman I want to be. Man, I really want people to look at me and say, "What a beautiful woman of God. She has really come to a place where she isn't afraid to be a woman, isn't afraid of her beauty, feminity and is courageous." I mean really, women who compromise themselves or hide their beauty and femininty (or for that matter, flaunt it), who hide behind being busy or being a mommy are all over the place. I want to truly be captivating...not by captivating men and getting their negative attention, but by being captivating to everyone I come in contact with that they would want to know this God who I live for and know him very personally. I'm really beginning to see what it is to be a daughter of God and it's fulfilling more and more of what I'm looking for.
In church we have been going through the book of Timothy and have heard messages on leaders in the church. Many times I've sat there and thought, gosh...Rob is going to have to do something else with his life...there is no way I'm ever going to be ready to be a leader's wife. Today, I was sitting there thinking, wow...I've been looking at what we've gone through so negatively that I didn't realize how much more I have grown and matured into the woman God has called me to be. He has truly started to move my heart in a way where I can be a much better leader than I could have been before. We should never count anyone out when they sin...God can lead them to such a better place after being in the depths of sin. After church, our pastor and his wife invited us out to eat with them. It was so encouraging. They wanted to talk to us about becoming more involved with the church and slowly making our way to leadership. And guess what?? I wasn't scared! I didn't shy away or back off, scared of being hurt again or messing everything up again. I just know that God is working and he's making our path clear, just as I've been praying. 3 things I know - 1. sharing my story of what is going on in my marriage and heart is what God is calling me to do and 2. he's leading Rob and I to a place to really touch some lives for him. 3 - I'm healing and moving forward.
Music for today:
Today is the Day
by: Lincoln Brewster
I'd post it here if I had any knowledge of how to post a youtube video on my blog!
By the way, if you know of anyone going through difficulties in their marriage or of any women trying to find their hearts in God...then please tell them about my blog!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
It's been awhile....
How long has it been since I last posted? At least a year, I'm sure.
The other day I was feeling restless and bored, which is never a good sign for me and happens way too often. I brought it up to a friend and told her I needed about 50 hobbies to keep me busy and interested and they all needed to be free! She sent me a text the next day saying it had come to her....I needed to get back to writing my blog. Brilliant idea! I've gone through so much and have so much to say and this is a good way to keep track of it all.
The intimidating part - how much of what I am currenlty going through do I share...or am I ready to share? I'm not sure of that yet. I'd like to be completely open and honest, but it's a dangerous line! I'll feel it out as I go. But, I definitely want to be able to help others who are going through difficulties in marriage...which is more often than we'd like to admit.
Lately, my thoughts have been on intimacy. True intimacy and my apparent inability to feel this. Or at least, that's how I feel. I've been struggling since Rob and I have been back together (and even before we seperated) to try and capture this. Also, trying to capture it with God is proving difficult. I have no idea why this is unless it's just years of putting up walls. I desperately want it and am working on it. It really bothers me, what if this is as close as I will ever get to anyone? I'm not hiding anything from Rob, there is nothing I won't talk to him about, we spend more time now together and talking about things then we ever have been able to before. But, I feel like we can have more. I'm working through the Captivating workbook which has been awesome and I highly recommend it. It has you go to ugly places, shattered places in your heart and give these things to God, to let him see the depths of your hurts and heal them. I've been praying daily that I will get to a point where I can visit those places...really visit them and allow myself to feel the pain of what I have done and what others have done to me. I feel like there are so many walls that I don't even know of that need to be torn down. I'm not sure how to cultivate intimacy, to find what I'm looking for. I guess my best option is to just keep praying for it and doing what I can to work toward it. I do feel like this has played a major role in our seperation last year and I surely don't want to go back there after we have done so much work to get to this point. I don't want things to become stalled. I'm always wanting more, feeling restless, thinking there is more out there. I feel like when I reach true intimacy with Rob and with God, it will go a long way in fulfilling these feelings.
Here is a passage from today's Captivating workbook:
"In the beautiful passage from Isaiah 61, God promises 'freedom for the captives (us) and release from the darkness for the prisoners (us)'. He goes on to proclaim, 'vengeance' against our enemies. Our wounds (that we have accumulated throughout our life) our vows (we made growing up so as not to make ourselves vulnerable...example - I will never put my true self out for anyone to reject again or, my parents made me feel like I was burden, I will never become close enough to someone again that they could think I was a burden) and the agreements we've made with the messages (messages that we picked up about ourselves through other people's actions wounding us) all give ground to the Enemy in our lives. Paul warns about this in Ephesians 4 when he said - writing to Christians - 'and do not give the devil a foothold'. There are things you've struggled with all your life - self-doubt, anger, depression, shame, addiction, fear. You probably thought that those were just your fault, too. ( just like the way people wounded you throughout your life, felt like it was your fault)
But, they are not. They came from the Enemy who wanted to take your heart captive, make you a prisoner of darkness. To be sure, we complied. We allowed those strongholds to form when we mishandled our wounds and made those vows. But, Jesus has forgiven us for all of that, and now he wants to set us free."
As I read that, I realize that I am giving Satan a foothold in my life, by doubting my ability to capture intimacy. Again, he attacks me without my realizing it. Thankfully, I have Jesus to forgive me and help me continue on my path toward what I truly desire, intimacy with Him and with my husband.
The other day I was feeling restless and bored, which is never a good sign for me and happens way too often. I brought it up to a friend and told her I needed about 50 hobbies to keep me busy and interested and they all needed to be free! She sent me a text the next day saying it had come to her....I needed to get back to writing my blog. Brilliant idea! I've gone through so much and have so much to say and this is a good way to keep track of it all.
The intimidating part - how much of what I am currenlty going through do I share...or am I ready to share? I'm not sure of that yet. I'd like to be completely open and honest, but it's a dangerous line! I'll feel it out as I go. But, I definitely want to be able to help others who are going through difficulties in marriage...which is more often than we'd like to admit.
Lately, my thoughts have been on intimacy. True intimacy and my apparent inability to feel this. Or at least, that's how I feel. I've been struggling since Rob and I have been back together (and even before we seperated) to try and capture this. Also, trying to capture it with God is proving difficult. I have no idea why this is unless it's just years of putting up walls. I desperately want it and am working on it. It really bothers me, what if this is as close as I will ever get to anyone? I'm not hiding anything from Rob, there is nothing I won't talk to him about, we spend more time now together and talking about things then we ever have been able to before. But, I feel like we can have more. I'm working through the Captivating workbook which has been awesome and I highly recommend it. It has you go to ugly places, shattered places in your heart and give these things to God, to let him see the depths of your hurts and heal them. I've been praying daily that I will get to a point where I can visit those places...really visit them and allow myself to feel the pain of what I have done and what others have done to me. I feel like there are so many walls that I don't even know of that need to be torn down. I'm not sure how to cultivate intimacy, to find what I'm looking for. I guess my best option is to just keep praying for it and doing what I can to work toward it. I do feel like this has played a major role in our seperation last year and I surely don't want to go back there after we have done so much work to get to this point. I don't want things to become stalled. I'm always wanting more, feeling restless, thinking there is more out there. I feel like when I reach true intimacy with Rob and with God, it will go a long way in fulfilling these feelings.
Here is a passage from today's Captivating workbook:
"In the beautiful passage from Isaiah 61, God promises 'freedom for the captives (us) and release from the darkness for the prisoners (us)'. He goes on to proclaim, 'vengeance' against our enemies. Our wounds (that we have accumulated throughout our life) our vows (we made growing up so as not to make ourselves vulnerable...example - I will never put my true self out for anyone to reject again or, my parents made me feel like I was burden, I will never become close enough to someone again that they could think I was a burden) and the agreements we've made with the messages (messages that we picked up about ourselves through other people's actions wounding us) all give ground to the Enemy in our lives. Paul warns about this in Ephesians 4 when he said - writing to Christians - 'and do not give the devil a foothold'. There are things you've struggled with all your life - self-doubt, anger, depression, shame, addiction, fear. You probably thought that those were just your fault, too. ( just like the way people wounded you throughout your life, felt like it was your fault)
But, they are not. They came from the Enemy who wanted to take your heart captive, make you a prisoner of darkness. To be sure, we complied. We allowed those strongholds to form when we mishandled our wounds and made those vows. But, Jesus has forgiven us for all of that, and now he wants to set us free."
As I read that, I realize that I am giving Satan a foothold in my life, by doubting my ability to capture intimacy. Again, he attacks me without my realizing it. Thankfully, I have Jesus to forgive me and help me continue on my path toward what I truly desire, intimacy with Him and with my husband.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Tuesday's Travels
One of the places I want to visit and work on for a few days. Eventually I'd love to own one.
When I was little my favorite book was Cranberry Thanksgiving about a girl named Maggie who lived on a cranberry bog and that started my love, plus there was a recipe for cranberry bread that my mom made (and still does) every Thanksgiving, and it's wonderful! I was amazed when I saw a picture of a cranberry bog for the first time, they are so beautiful and so interesting. I found a cranberry bog and house for sale, I only need $750,000. Ya know, just a couple years and I should be able to afford that, right???
Just thinking about walking outside in the crisp, fall air, with beautiful fall colored trees and bright red cranberries every where, for me, there doesn't seem to be anything more perfect! I can smell it and feel that fresh, cool air now....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Curve balls - good or bad?
Isn't it strange how when you think you have everything figured out, a curve ball is thrown in and you start to question everything? Seriously. Every time I think I've got life figured out and I know what's going on, where we are going and I've got everything under control - something changes. Well, right now it's more than 1 curve ball being thrown at Rob and me. It can be a good thing to wake you and shake you and change where you are headed or it can be a bad thing because it distracts you and takes you back some steps. I'm not sure which it is for us right now, but I'll be praying about it all, that's for sure.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
1st day of the fast
Have you ever typed "Facebook Addiction Disorder", otherwise known as FAD? I kid you not, it's real and you can be diagnosed with it! That is just crazy, but oh so believable! Thankfully, I don't think I have that, but that's a warning to everyone out there!
On my first day of fasting from FB, I plan to:
- Spend one additional hour talking to God (at least)
- Finish painting the girl's bathroom
- Get reconnected with Flylady and keep up with it!
- Go on a walk
- Get some budgeting figured out
I'm really interested to see if during this time, I start to feel more led to pray about one thing on my prayer list then others. Right now it seems to be praying for the youth group and the direction it should go in.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The queen of lists
As most of you know I'm fasting from Facebook. I know that seems strange, but truly, I was spending way too much time on there. I would look around on FB instead of doing housework. I would just be on Facebook to do anything other than what I should be doing.
I've been going through a lot of change and growth lately. And it has been AWESOME!!! I love the things I'm learning, I'm just soaking everything in and I just want more and more which is why I'm taking this step.
I'm the queen of making lists. I will make lists of lists - I kid you not, my lists are long and have sub lists. It's easy for me to have 5 different lists going at any one time. Rob and my dad joke about my lists. It just makes me feel better to have everything written down...whether I do them or not is another story. Lately I have not been doing them, but man, I was writing them like crazy! It seems so silly to me that I have to fast from FB and write about it, gah, how pathetic am I?? But, hey, Satan will use whatever he can to distract me from God and he is using so many distractions for me. So, I decided to make a list tonight and to actually follow this list. Here it is:
Why am I fasting?
What am I praying for?
I'll have my regular quiet time in the mornings and pray then as I usually do. But each time I think about getting on FB or spending more time on the computer, then I'll stop and pray even more fervently for the things listed above. After all, that is what fasting is about. Taking something that is natural, something you do a lot and taking it away - then every time you think about it, you are reminded to pray.
I've decided to be really careful and actually take it a step further. I'm going to limit myself to 1/2 hour on the computer per day so I don't just fill the FB time with something else. I am writing my blogs on paper when I'm alone so as not to take more time on the computer. I know that usually when you fast it is to pray for 1 thing in particular, but I feel the need to pray for all those different things.
It's not easy and I'm already thinking, this is so silly! Why make such a big deal about it? Why not just hop on a couple times a day to check up on friends...but, I'm trying my best not to! And now, I'm going to go pray!
I've been going through a lot of change and growth lately. And it has been AWESOME!!! I love the things I'm learning, I'm just soaking everything in and I just want more and more which is why I'm taking this step.
I'm the queen of making lists. I will make lists of lists - I kid you not, my lists are long and have sub lists. It's easy for me to have 5 different lists going at any one time. Rob and my dad joke about my lists. It just makes me feel better to have everything written down...whether I do them or not is another story. Lately I have not been doing them, but man, I was writing them like crazy! It seems so silly to me that I have to fast from FB and write about it, gah, how pathetic am I?? But, hey, Satan will use whatever he can to distract me from God and he is using so many distractions for me. So, I decided to make a list tonight and to actually follow this list. Here it is:
Why am I fasting?
- To focus on God more
- To pray more
What am I praying for?
- My work schedule (as I am thinking about adding another day of work to my crazy life)
- Youth Group (I so believe in this youth group and want to pray it goes in the direction God has planned and is blessed)
- Forgiveness for myself and to help me forgive others
- Freedom from regret
- My church
- My pastors
- My marriage
- Exercise (this may seem silly, but I have gained a lot of weight and am very unhappy and feel badly about myself and feel very unhealthy which worries me)
- Setting a better example for my daughters
- Wisdom for my husband
- Righteousness for myself and for Rob
- Time management
I'll have my regular quiet time in the mornings and pray then as I usually do. But each time I think about getting on FB or spending more time on the computer, then I'll stop and pray even more fervently for the things listed above. After all, that is what fasting is about. Taking something that is natural, something you do a lot and taking it away - then every time you think about it, you are reminded to pray.
I've decided to be really careful and actually take it a step further. I'm going to limit myself to 1/2 hour on the computer per day so I don't just fill the FB time with something else. I am writing my blogs on paper when I'm alone so as not to take more time on the computer. I know that usually when you fast it is to pray for 1 thing in particular, but I feel the need to pray for all those different things.
It's not easy and I'm already thinking, this is so silly! Why make such a big deal about it? Why not just hop on a couple times a day to check up on friends...but, I'm trying my best not to! And now, I'm going to go pray!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Tuesday's Travels
One of the greatest loves of my life is traveling. I can't get enough of it. It's one of the reasons I haven't had more children, one of the reasons I was hesitant about buying a larger house and something that is on my mind - A LOT. I thought I would post some of the places I want to travel to in no particular order:
Greece (water and the beauty of the white cities built onto the side of the cliffs...yes, I know most hate Americans!)
Ireland (cliffs, countryside and castles, seeing Rob enjoy trying some of the beer)
Australia (Sydney)
Africa (my heart always tells me I need to go back and experience even more)
Spain (Rob can speak the language and I want to see the beautiful old sites and try the wine and eat all day!)
France (Paris..though Rob is not too keen on going to France!)
England ('Arry Pot'er...platform 9 and 3/4)
Switzerland (the gorgeous snow capped mountains and quaint towns in the valleys)
Austria (The Sound of Music. Need I say more? I want to dance and twirl on the hills and sing, "the hills are alive with sound of music!" I want to have a picnic and lay on a hill and look at the sky, roll around on the hills and just be.)
Germany (the food and beautiful sites)
Brazil (to see Cristo Redentor)
Fiji (ha! one can dream!)
Thailand (beaches!!)
Hong Kong (what a mysterious city full of bustle with old Asian influence mixed in)
China (the great wall)
Most of these places I want to see the countryside, but some I want to hang out in the city and see what it's all about!
I'm sure there are more! I really want to start checking these off my list of places to see. I've seen a lot and traveled outside of the US several times and I love it. I'm so thankful I've had opportunities to see some more of the world that the US. I need a job where I travel....
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